My Journal

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Gradi, day 37 of winter 546 - A shadow behind me

Well, it has been quite some time since I wrote in this journal. A year has come and gone since I have last found my way to this part of the library. I have been preoccupied by various things, both in my professional and in my personal life. I am much better now, and that is why I find myself here once again. I guess I should begin by talking about the last year...

On the down side...

This last year was not so good for me. Many of my close friends seem to have left the lands. Because of that I often find myself alone, wondering what to do by myself. Of those who have left, I miss Wystii, Aerin and Emma the most. It is often through them that I used to meet people. They are all much better than me at social interactions. I am a shy person and would rather die than bother someone. All of them have a way to come up to anyone and start a conversation as if they were long time friends. They would find a way to ask to join a group that made everyone comfortable to accept or refuse without anyone being offended or hurt.

But, more than anything, I miss the long conversations we had. We would talk about anything and everything, from serious matters to the most silly topics. How many hours I spent in conversations with each of them I cannot say, but I cherish every memory I have of those.

Wystii was more a close friend, she was also a colleague, and we worked on various projects together. We discussed our theories on natural philosophy and would go to various places to seek clues and to explore. She was also someone I could really open up to. More than once, Wystii would be the one to talk to me when I was depressed. She would bring back hope in my heart by her spirit and by the beauty of her soul.

Aerin was another thing altogether /action smiles/. She would brighten my mood by shaking me and bonking me on the head until I smiled. She would hear no nonsense from this thoom. She was very fun to be around and I miss her sense of humor and her teases.

About Emma... Well, some things are too personal even for this journal...

/action clears his throat/

Aside from missing friends, there is also something that happened in my clan that troubled me. There was a discussion regarding someone who had previously left the clan and wanted to come back. In a private discussion I expressed some concerns over his attitude towards me. Some people in the clan were close to him and did not understand my point of view and they became angry at me. Somehow the applicant learned that there was a discussion concerning him and he chose to withdraw his application. I was then blamed for that withdrawal by his friends, and one of them even left the clan, and she has not spoken to me since.

I don't think I am a bad person. I try to think of other people's feelings and I try to see their point of view. It affects me when others don't seem to care about me, and this whole thing left me more than a little shaken.

For all of these reasons, there was a time when I seriously contemplated leaving the lands myself. I felt disconnected from my clan. My closest friends were gone. My aptitude for my chosen profession was uncertain.That is one of the things my missing friends and me would discuss together, and I would find myself feeling better afterwards.

... and on the up side.

There are two very nice exiles who helped me through these hard times. Without them I'm sure I would have left the lands. These two persons are Babajaga and Kiriel D'sol.

It is because of Babajaga that I am in PTF, and it is because of her that PTF exists. For most of last year, one of the only thing that brought me out of the library was a planned expedition with PTF. I am very fortunate to be in this group of people and to be able to explore with them. This kind of adventure, the intellectual challenges we tackle, the tactical situations we must face and overcome by working as a group, all these things are what I crave. Those few moments each zodiac were something to look forward to, and something that has helped keep me from leaving.

Kiri has such a drive to help everyone, it's really fascinating to see how much energy she has and how she is always taking care of others. She is also very perceptive and wise. I know that she would wince if she heard me say that /action smiles/. She was always there for me, and she talked to me and supported me through many of the tougher moments. Kiri made a real difference during those difficult times. She is also responsible for me taking up the pen again.

You see, the Winds of Dawn hold officers' elections every two years and it was recently time for a new vote. Kiri was asking for people to volunteer and she convinced me to apply for the clan reporter's job. I wasn't sure I felt like doing it but I didn't think I'd get elected anyways, so I figured it would not hurt. To my surprise I was elected, and so I started to work on my first newsletter.

Unexpectedly, I liked it. It felt good to be writing again. It felt good to think about how I would do the newsletter and how I would structure it, all the while sorting through the various tidbits of information I gather when I am out of the lib.

And then something else happened. I got promoted! It is hard to describe how that made me feel. In a way it made me feel I was doing ok, something I had started to doubt seriously. Mysticism isn't about ranks and so you don't get any real sense of progression. As a fighter, for instance, you start bricking island panthers and then after a time you start bricking artaks. Mysticism isn't like that at all. Of course, you can measure progression in your skills, but that isn't what makes you a mystics. It's not to say I doubted what I wanted to be. I have a very clear picture of what I want to become. The doubt was whether my vision of what I wanted to become matched what others would allow me to become. Being promoted told me that I was doing good enough. It opened up the possibility of becoming what I want to be, and that is a big step forward.

I was also very surprised, and touched, that so many people were happy for me. Many even said they were proud of me! I had not realized I had made an impression on so many. It was very comforting and made me feel part of the community.

Then I completed the newsletter and it was very well received. I put it in a section of my scrolls because it's easier for me to access it this way. While in this part of the library, I started to look around and I saw all these scrolls I had left, half finished, a year ago. After all this time, I realized I wanted to work on them.

And so I stand here, at the dawn of a new day, looking at the rising Sun as it warms my soul and casts a shadow behind me...

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