Well, how do I say this? I am torn. I am considering leaving my clan, the Winds of Dawn, and I am not sure if it is the right thing to do or not.
I am wondering if *I* am the problem or if I am just not meant to be in the WoD. They're all very nice, well most of them anyways, but I just don't feel a part of them anymore. Maybe I expect too much. I usually expect too much from people and then I am disappointed.
One of the problems is certainly the fact that I am a mystic. That means that most of them can hang together doing things of their respective levels, but they feel that I would be out of place because of my limitations, or they simply think that I would not be interested. And I am the kind of person that feels bad when he realises that people from his clan are hunting together and that he's not invited.
The other night I was sitting in town and I had asked one clanmate (let's say clanmate 'A') what he was doing and got an answer, but no invitation. Later I broadcasted over the sunstone that I'd be interested in joining a hunt and got no answers. Then someone else from my clan got out of the library (clanmate 'B'). I then sunstoned again asking to join a hunt and then I got a call from the clanmate 'A' saying I could join them where they were. I asked him if it was ok for his group that a mystic join them and I got the answer "yes it's mostly WoD people :)". First ouch. Then I asked directions to where they were and asked if it was safe to go and got the answer "It must be since clanmate 'B' just came this way". Second ouch.
That means that the minute clanmate 'B' stepped out of the lib he was invited and yet I had to call twice to be asked to join them, and it was mostly WoD people...
That's only part of the problem, but it is telling. At the very least it is telling of the way mystics are perceived in this clan. We are invited when boosting is needed, otherwise it is assumed that we would not be interested. And yet when people are taking newbies on a hunt I am not invited either. I thought that since WoD is about helping newbies, they'd have more empathy for mystics and would include us more easily. I guess I was wrong.
I wonder if there is a clan where mystics are really included. I know that PM cherish their mystics, I wonder if they're the only ones.
I talked to some people about how I feel. Mostly I was told to follow my heart. The one person I felt I could talk about that in WoD told me I had to make the change myself, to make things happen. So I tried, although maybe not very strongly, and saw no results.
I also thought that my last journal entry would stir some reaction from people in the clan, and that they'd react to it by coming to me to see what was wrong. I guess they don't read my journal. The only person I think might have read it reacted in being distant and somewhat aggressive.
So maybe my poesy isn't all that great, but it certainly did say I was unhappy and that it concerned the clan. I thought people would inquire about that. I would have done as much were the roles reversed.
Yet I still hesitate to visit the clan house to remove my badge. I have good friends in the WoD, and I'd be sorry to let them down. I also think that it's not something you should do lightly and I want to be sure that it's the thing I should do.
So I ponder this while I study, and I ponder this while out of the lib. I am still studying ether with Ledarla, the fifth ethereal trainer that resides inside Sombrion's keep. I must say that I am wondering at the quality of the training they give. They are slaves of the Brions after all. After about 130 lessons in ethereal knowledge, I can't say I see much progress in my understanding of ether. And it's been a while since any ethereal phenomenon has occurred. Add to that the fact that metal has become so rare and expensive as to prevent me from doing research and I am starting to wonder if the Brions aren't trying to fool us in some way. Those 130 lessons might have been better spent on other skills, for all the difference they make at the moment.
Of course I am a patient person, and I'll wait and see what comes out of this, but it certainly is not a very rewarding experience to train in ether, at least not up to now. The most effect I've seen are from the 10 first lessons where the ethereal flow reading becomes more precise.
I don't know what to do. I need to ponder this more. At least there is a PTF meeting soon, that will get my mind off of these problems...
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